Real Gold.

This year The Globes were all about "real" women. The Mistress of Ceremonies as such was Ms. Christina Hendricks.

Be still my beating heart, she is a breathtaking savior of souls in that gorgeous gown. Maybe y'all out there don't know the joy of seeing her on a red carpet because you don't know the pain of hating your curvaceous body in a world high and mighty on the thin, thin, and thinner. I wish you could feel the flush of warm love that her appearance stirs in me. It's divine. Forever and always, Christina, I lurve you and your globes!

Others who looked divine were also of an underrepresented demo--the older ladies who still look like real humans.

The glowing Glenn Close and the ever-wonderful Meryl Streep looked so classy and so undone, and Meryl's acceptance speech was just as lovely as she is.


Even our go-to girl for how much not to wear, Christina Aguilera, looked, well, pretty and soft and not like a drag queen at all. Nice!

Mo'Nique's legs were real stars too! She could probably braid those puppies, but I say good for her!

Shaving sucks. You guys get to look like ravishing, sexy, scruffy hotties (insert link to Sam Worthington photo here) and we have to be hairless like swimming seals. It's a bitch, people! I say stubble it up if you want, who's gonna stop ya? Certainly not the HFPA. I wouldn't do it, but if you want to grow some leg gruff, go for it.

Also, I don't know how quote-unquote real Jennifer Aniston is on my sclae, but she looked real hot.

And, for the record, I'm never a particular fan of the Aniston. But, damn, girl! Nice legs. Now if only they were hairy like Mo'nique's...

Fool's Gold

I'm convinced that the reason celebrities show up to The Golden Globes so eagerly is because, as US Magazine likes to point out, they're just like us! In this case that means, "Free food? An open bar? I'm there!" There are much more prestigious awards for both film (you've heard of the Oscars, right?) and television (do the Emmys ring a bell?), but everyone's always there for the Globes, which are voted on and doled out by 90 mysterious members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. All anyone can talk about is how much fun the sit down dinner atmosphere at the Globes is, about how it's more spontaneous and bursting with hilarious moments like Brad Pitt thanking the makers of Kaopectate, or Christine Lahti being in the potty (poet, know it!), but when it comes down to it, watching stars get weepy over a Globe is a little, well embarrassing. I feel like the morning after the ceremony, when everyone's dried out from all the bubbly and digested their surf 'n' turf, they think, "What the hell was that all about, and what the hell was I wearing, and why did I make out with Mickey Rourke in the bathroom?" These things happen, and because they happen, celebs get dressed up and parade down a red carpet, and because they get dressed and parade down a red carpet, we get to gawk at their ensembles and say things about them. Funner than a sit down dinner!

Just because I want to, I'm going to give out some awards of my own. Why not?

First up, is the If I Wear a Strange Nude/Beigey Color I'll Look Like I'm Not Wearing Anything, Especially Not A Fancy Dress, and No One Can Call Me Economically Insensitive Award. This is actually a ground breaking six-way tie between (clockwise): Penelope Cruz, Kristen Scott Thomas, Isla Fisher, America Ferrara, Elizabeth Banks, and Amanda Seyfried

Next, is the Golden Over-Glow Tanorexic Award. Tie again! (Hope these ladies can share.) Demi Moore and Lisa Rinna!

The Unfortunate Accessory Award goes to: Watch out, mom! Rumer Willis!

She could have looked perfectly elegant in her gorgeous eggplant gown, but then she cinched the victory in this category with a tacky, thrown-on rhinestone festooned black belt. Why? I guess she really wanted to win.

The I Am A Golden Globe! Award goes to: Jenny "J-Gold is my new nickname" Lopez.

The You Want a Globe? I Got Two Right Here! Award goes to: Salma Hayek!

The Uh-Oh Madonna Face Award goes to an over-botoxed looking Cameron D., whom I love and it pains me to present this award. Pains.

The Are You Okay? Are You Sure? Really? Awards of Distinction go to: Maggie Gyllenhaal, Drew Barrymore, and Renee Zellweger!

Is Maggie channeling Pebbles? I think she's wearing blue animal print. Drew's hair looks like someone took it off to do it, then set it with Aquanet, and gave it back to her for the night. Renee is just a little wacky, right? I feel like she always runs directly off of a treadmill onto any red carpet. I don't know why she poses the way she does. Her moves are always kind of lightweight bodybuilder "check out my form." And, are we supposed to feel like we can see her boobs? That makes me nervous.

This year nearly everyone gets the I'm Necklaceless Out of Respect to Wallstreet and Mainstreet Award. I've never seen this many Bare Necked Ladies at an awards event. And fishtail is the new black.

Now that that is over with, here are a few looks that I actually loved.

Kate Wins-a-lot (take that James Cameron!) hoisting two well-deserved awards.

I love this. Marisa Tomei hit the right balance of respectable with just enough flourish to keep things interesting. Her hair and makeup look fab. And, I saw her at a concert this summer wearing a fake mustache. I will always and forever respect her.

Sally Field is 62. She looks cute as ever.

Kate Bekinsale looks perfect. This dress fits her so great and is actually that rare combo of interesting, flattering, and very well-accessorized.

I love the color of January Jonse's dress. Like icy blue raspberry. Yum.

And I'm spent.

All photos from Getty Images via New York Magazine.