Real Gold.

This year The Globes were all about "real" women. The Mistress of Ceremonies as such was Ms. Christina Hendricks.

Be still my beating heart, she is a breathtaking savior of souls in that gorgeous gown. Maybe y'all out there don't know the joy of seeing her on a red carpet because you don't know the pain of hating your curvaceous body in a world high and mighty on the thin, thin, and thinner. I wish you could feel the flush of warm love that her appearance stirs in me. It's divine. Forever and always, Christina, I lurve you and your globes!

Others who looked divine were also of an underrepresented demo--the older ladies who still look like real humans.

The glowing Glenn Close and the ever-wonderful Meryl Streep looked so classy and so undone, and Meryl's acceptance speech was just as lovely as she is.


Even our go-to girl for how much not to wear, Christina Aguilera, looked, well, pretty and soft and not like a drag queen at all. Nice!

Mo'Nique's legs were real stars too! She could probably braid those puppies, but I say good for her!

Shaving sucks. You guys get to look like ravishing, sexy, scruffy hotties (insert link to Sam Worthington photo here) and we have to be hairless like swimming seals. It's a bitch, people! I say stubble it up if you want, who's gonna stop ya? Certainly not the HFPA. I wouldn't do it, but if you want to grow some leg gruff, go for it.

Also, I don't know how quote-unquote real Jennifer Aniston is on my sclae, but she looked real hot.

And, for the record, I'm never a particular fan of the Aniston. But, damn, girl! Nice legs. Now if only they were hairy like Mo'nique's...

Stop Bluffin' With Your Muffin'

That's GaGa sans pants. Just a normal shopping day.

No pants. It's apparently a Lady GaGa rule, and I think she is the only one who should follow it. Now that the mercury is rising, I'm seeing it already and I have to beg people to please stop showing your nether regions under too short tops that your cousin from the Jersey Shore told you could be worn as a dress. Or, in things that may seem like leggings in a dark room, but are actually black tights. It scars me emotionally to look down at someone's legs in public and see their business so thinly veiled or all out and out. It's like a car wreck, I can't stop looking, and then I start to wonder about my decency as a human being, and then my entire reason for existence comes into question. I beg of you all who still do the legging thing, buy leggings not tights! And, if you can see cheek, it's about a foot too short for bare legs, no matter what Cousin Krissy says. Please help me out on this one? I'll be your un-bestfriend.

Watch Lady GaGa go at it, but don't get any ideas....



I can't stop singing that song. I'm such a sucker for her cheesy, poptastic dirtiness. Anyone who sings about their muffin is a friend of mine. I was suspect of the GaGa at first, but it's like Bjork, Twisted Sister (the whole band), and the ghost of Bowie's past got drunk on Ouzo and red wine and had a night of passion with the Dirrrty version of X-tina Aguilera (which she apparently doesn't remember) and gave the offspring up for adoption to be raised by a troupe of Lower East Side burlesque dancers. Do you need a family tree diagram for that? Bottom line? Leave the pantslessness to the GaGa. She does it better.

One/One-Thousand: Ellen von Unwerth

Ellen von Unwerth's photography is synonymous with playfully sexual fun fashion. She ruled in the '90s and has maintained a clear poptart vision for nearly two decades. After ten years in front of the camera (the woman is just that gorgeous) she switched roles and started shooting sexy models instead of sexy glances at the lens. She is the queen of lingerie shots, and of camp, red-lipped, happy harlot style. She added an unmistakable sex appeal to Interview Magazine back in the day and even shot great music videos. She filmed X-Tina Aguilera for her Back to Basics album more recently and proved that she's still got it.



















Poptarty. Mmmm. Toaster fresh.

Barbie's Bawdy Beginnings

This year Barbie turns 50 years old. Seeing as how Barbie's main purpose in her half-century existence has been to delight very young girls, I was quite surprised to learn that she has some dirty little secrets in her past. In fact, the doll's controversially busty/teeny shape was cloned from a sexy little German doll named Bild Lilli who was based on a bawdy comic book character and sold in tobacco shops and "novelty" (wink, wink) stores. Barbie's creator scooped one up on a European vacation and had her turned into the seemingly wholesome, pink-loving doll we all now know and love. Here's the buxom Bild Lilli:

Here's Barbie:

Can you say identity crisis, little girls? I personally liken this to the age old Britney vs. Christina dilemma.

Remember when Britney was still trying to play it all church-going-sunshiny-sweet-as-apple pie-y'all even though she was writhing on MTV's stage practically nakey? X-tina, on the other hand was all the way booty-out, chaps-wearing, grinding, dirrrrrty. It was the classic virgin/whore complex in its two extremes. I was on X-tina's team all the way. She was a ho fo' sho' and she wasn't even trying to hide it. I admire that authenticity, even if her wardrobe and hair choices were completely questionable. Look at where all of the repression and denial got Britney. I'm not saying you have to let it all hang out, but if you do want to? Don't try and hide it. If you're a Bild Lilli, you don't have to turn yourself into a Barbie. Let your freak flag fly high!