Monday, February 23, 2009

Domo Arigato, Mr. Oscar.

I need to just say right off the bat, I find Hugh Jackman utterly unwatchable. I know, I know, Sexiest Man Alive, blah, blah, blah...I don't care. He should have been immediately replaced by dynamic duo Tina Fey and Steve Martin, or the Mr. Roboto thanker, Kumio Kato. Immediately. It would have saved me the four minutes and change that I will never get back from the stinkhole that was that musical number with Lipsynka protege Beyonce. I could have watched Ben "Joaquin" Stiller and Natalie "I'm in with the Rodarte girls!!!!" Portman rip on the poor frog-seeing, non-acting musician for a few more hours (FYI, that line about the Hasidic meth lab? Perfect!.) It would have been much easier than sitting through Huge Hackman's awkward celeb audience member shoutouts and vocal stylings. He should stick to playing a wolf mutant for the kiddies and denying all of those rumors. Just saying.

Anyways, on to the good stuff! Here's what I noticed when I wasn't wincing at Hugh:

I don't get Jennifer Aniston's appeal. I never have. My brother tries to tell me things about how she's like a real woman, like a girl next door, but still, I don't get it. Don't know if I ever will. This mall prom dress that looks like it came straight off of the Cache rack doesn't help me get it.

John Mayer, if you want to explain it to me, to help me understand clearly, I'd entertain a discussion with you--as long as you were wearing your Borat swim suit. Otherwise, it's a no-go.

Sans Seventh Heven Jessica Biel is basically a famous reminder of the blessed existence of Justin Timberlake at this point, which I appreciate immensely. But, when she shows up places without him, I just cry. Unfair. Also unfair? Her absolute waste of an opportunity to look gorgeous. I mean women slave over hot treadmills to look like her, and then she wraps herself in an illfitting, sacky gown.

This dress absolutely had potential, absolutely. It is structurally interesting, looks unique, has this amazing black and white element, but the bottom doesn't fit. It looks like she deflated a little. Makes me think of a crushed toilet paper tube. How amazing would that dress have been if it fit her on the bottom? A little hug of the booty? Would have been very nice.

Get your rods ready (read the rest of this sentence before you jump to any perverted conclusions, ok?) because I declare open season on all fish tail dresses. I'm not a fan.

They are just unflattering on anyone other than a lithe 7-foot stunner and they make me so uncomfortable and nervous. I can't imagine walking in that. Waddle, waddle.

Kate Winslet was by far my favorite actress this year. Her performances in Revolutionary Road and The Reader were phenomenal and she's spent all awards season looking stunning. But, I do fear she got a case of the Jennifer Connellys last night. It's a sudden illness that leads gorgeous, talented actresses who have looked phenomenal at all other victorious awards ceremonies of the season to show up at the Mac Daddy event looking far less than stellar.

I would never not love Kate Winslet, and she's simply stunning and talented, but this dress is a do-nothing dress. It's not flattering, it doesn't showcase her shape, and it does nothing for her coloring. It's an eh. She's a wow. Shouldda been a wowee.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman made a bold head gear choice last night:

A beanie. To the Oscars. And, he wore it the whole time. What was the weather like in LA anyway? That's no temperature related choice, that's a statement of somekind. Oh, most talented actor, what are you trying to say?

Who hit Lisa Rinna with the x-tra large, maximum botox stick, and when? I mean I know she's looked very well preserved for a long time, but this is obscene:

Age, women! Age! It's ok. It happens. Jeez. I just averted my eyes from my own blog...

Actually, that picture made me feel a little cheap. Depressed. Ok, I'm switching gears. We are going the high route people! I'm taking my inspiration from Best Original Screenplay winner writer Dustin Lance Black, and using my powers for good instead of evil. Here are snapshots of what I loved:

Angelina Jolie's earrings were simple, green, splash-of-color perfection! That's the kind of accessory I like--strong, singluar, sensationsal.
Extreme close-up, huh? Earring porn!

Natalie Portman puts a little Pepto in her step, making a color my friend Sara affectionately refers to as "obnoxious pink," the brightest, most beautiful hue of the evening.

Nice tan, Ports. You look marvelous in your Rodarte.

Taraji P. Hensen' s ruby red clutch gets my Bangin' Bag award.

That splash of deep red against her gorgeous creamy gown is a yay. She was my second favorite part of Benny Button (Cate's amazing complexion was the first) and she looks fabulous.

Diane Lane, star of the sexiest cheat-on-Richard Gere movie ever, looked simple and gorgeous and should serve as an inspiration to mature women everywhere.
I love a nice thick lash with some red lips. So classic, so gorgeous.

Another makeup look I loved? Evan Rachel Wood.

I know, I feel like I'm cheatin' on my true love Dita, but what can I say, the girl looks good. Much better than in this photo:

There, Dita. You still win. Hands down. No question.

Speaking of Mickey "Ram Jam" Rourke--he was robbed. How can you witness a man wearing that much spandex and peroxide and not award him. I give him the best chiuaua charm award.

R.I.P. Loki.

I love this photo of the Slumdog Millionaire kids. They were so, so good in that great movie, and they look so, so great here.

Ok, I can't take it any longer. I need to confess my love for Tilda Swinton. I heard she has an open marriage, so this is my plea to join it:

Oh Tilda, I think I love you in so many wierd ways, but I think you'll understand because you seem to be weird, that's why I think it would work so well. I love your flair for unflattering yet strangely appealing sartorial choices. I love your ever-changing red hair color, I love your talented intensity, your phenomenal acting abilities, and I love, love, love your slightly unnerving alien-like physical features. I would love to see your home planet and be let into your universe. I'd worship you just as lovingly as Viktor + Rolf. What do you say?

You know what I say? I've had enough. It was great, ruby red carpet fun, but now it's time for it to be over. I'll hunt around and see the party wrap-ups and check in with you later. For now, feast on the plethora of sites you can access by clicking any one of the images above. Have fun!

1 comment:

botticellibelle said...

There has to be a ridiculous set of events that led to Jessica Beil's dress not being tailored to fit/hug/love her body. Maybe she had picked out this dress for a future event, and then her first choice didn't arrive in time, so she slipped into this without looking in the mirror first. It is really amazing that the bottom of the dress is still clean! Maybe Justin carried her out to the limo. And, I think we should go a few steps further and say that this dress is structurally AMAZING. The fabric was the right choice to pull this dress off. It just does not fit!

PS Diane Lane should serve as an inspiration to women of ALL ages- she is elegant and beautiful and sexy all in one! (Like a snickers bar...or an easter egg. Hmmm...I cannot think of an adequate comparison, but you get the idea.)